Catch me ridin dirty

I have just spent 33 of the last 75 hours driving/riding and I'm officially sick of it. As we pulled into the apartment and waited for the gate to open I noticed that my car was smoking a lot. Not good but I guess good timing. I'm tired of riding and looking and thinking and listening to music and driving and looking and thinking and trying to find a radio station and thinking. Can someone please shut my brain off?

Silly, silly me...

I rushed around this morning to make it downstairs for a 1230van and at 1235 I asked the guy where everyone was. Oops... the van is at 1330. Go me. At least I won't be late now. I just talked to J a while ago and he miscalculated the bus time but it made him late. Crazy us.

The last few days have been crazy. I worked Mon am. Did naps Tues and Wed. Got back Thurs morning, went home, showered and packed and flew up to LEX for Shua's birthday that night. Flew home Friday. Went home, did laundry and felt kind of rotten. Almost called in sick for my trip this week. Had to duty in at 5am on Saturday which meant I had to wake up at 3:20. Saturday was one of the hardest days it seemed cause I was so tired and still not feeling too hot for some reason. Flew to Cinci, Greenville, back to Cinci, then to Tulsa. They were having Mayfest in Tulsa which was a big art fair out in the streets in the city all around our hotel. I napped by the pool for a while, then decided to wander around and see what all this Mayfest stuff was about. I ended up sitting on a bench for about 2hrs and watching the people go by. I saw more lesbians (and not the hot ones) than I've ever seen in one place. There was such a variety of people there. It was kind of sad cause you could tell a lot of them were all done up to go to the festival and they just looked misfortunate. I know I'm not the most fashionable person ever, but at least I don't have paw print tattoos on my inner thighs and shorts so short you can see them. There were so many crazy looking people I can't even begin to describe them. I wish I had had a camera just to document the oddity of it all. But it was thoroughly fascinating. One thing that I've been noticing a lot lately are wedding rings.. I'm not sure why, and that doesn't really matter. What it's making me notice though is that the most unattractive people have them, which to me says that someone, somewhere loves them and thinks they're attractive. I know it isn't 100rue but when I see women with rings on it just says "Someone loves me". Makes me a little jealous honestly. I must be coming down with something cause that is not how I normally think.

We have to leave in a minute and I'll be home tonight. I'm glad. Have to go back to Atlanta first, then do a Memphis round trip. These days have been really long. We worked from 12:30 to 12:30 yesterday. Little brother is graduating from high school tomorrow. It just hit me that it's really happening. I've felt so much more peaceful lately. I'm so glad. I can only handle so much unhappiness. Life is good and I am blessed. Hopefully I'll be off tomorrow and can do something chill. I miss my friends and family. They rock my face off.

egg drop soup. mmm....

I think it's about time I wrote a happy blog, and since I feel very happy today I figured this would be as good a time as any. Yesterday was not one of my finer days. I got home from work, went to sleep around 11am and didn't wake up until 4pm. I still felt tired and awful. I was feeling sad cause I missed someone, but looking forward to going to church and spending time with my family last night. I haven't gotten to go to church in a while and I can feel it. I just really wanted to be around people that would encourage me. Then I check my schedule and see that scheduling has given me another nap last night and taken my off day today. It was just the icing on the cake at that point. I can handle when scheduling screws me around on a good day, but when I'm already feeling like crap sometimes I just feel like I can't take it anymore. I still ended up getting to eat with my mom and Mook but couldn't make church. It was cool cause mashed potatoes are one of my comfort foods and my mom had made them and chicken and gravy. All smooshy foods she said, which I realized is one of the qualities I like about mashed potatoes. It's all soft and warm and makes your belly feel good.

I went to work and survived. I didn't stress myself out about going to sleep last night. I've been having trouble lately. I made a card for someone and went to sleep when I was tired enough. I only got 3 hrs of sleep and overslept this morning but oh well. At the time it stressed me out so bad I almost put my bra on over my undershirt, but it really wasn't that big of a deal.

Yesterday morning on my flight I had a big black lady on there and her name was Lillie White. I thought it was hilarious and laughed quietly inside a great deal. I really hope that's her married name. Today out of the 38 people on the flight, 3 of them had a very distinct lazy eye. Not a droopy eyelid lazy eye, but a "I'm not sure which eye to look at" lazy eye. Craziness. So now it's 9am and I've been home from work for 30 min. I'm eating someone's leftover eggdrop soup (don't be mad Tanya). It makes me happy cause it's warm and yummy. I feel so much better today than I did yesterday. I'm not sure exactly why but I'm glad. It feels good to feel good. May the good feelings continue.

The other night when I couldn't fall asleep I remembered how God tells us to cast all our cares on Him and to take every thought captive for Him. I realized I've been trying to bear so much on my own. All of these things are completely out of my control but I still let them consume my thoughts, so every time a new thought would come to mind I had to make myself realize what the worry was in it and just say, God, here is this bill, this person, this bad feeling. I can't handle it. It's really a good feeling to know your problems are in Someone else's hands. Especially someone who is much more capable and sees the big picture.

same ol' same ol'

In a way I don't feel like writing because I get tired of what I have to say. I pretty much have one thing on my mind constantly so it's hard to write about much else. One of these days I'll write about our trip. It was amazing. It's over. I'm sad about the trip being over but more sad about other things that are over. I still wish there was that wild card that I could play to make the deal that can't be made otherwise.

Davefm's radio free lunch today is songs that give advice. Very fun.
I'm trying to bring some sort of order to my apartment. It's taking too long. I started going through stuff this morning and had to stop cause it made me too sad. U2 says I've got to get myself together. They're right.

Yesterday when I went to work so hating everything I ended up flying with two of the most cheerful pilots ever. It was really good for me cause they made me feel more cheerful. It's a good thing they weren't the ASA hating complaining type that would've just fed the bad feelings I had at the time. I finally got to sleep really late today. I needed it, though I think I had some weird dreams. I've got to do a nap tonight but it's going to be a really easy one. We have 9:13 on the ground which means I can still get a good night's rest. I need to go to Walmart and run other errands but I've been putting it off as much as possible. That would mean I have to get decent looking.

Some days I have the energy to talk myself out of funks that I'm in but lately not so much. I have been riding the pendulum from hopeful to hopeless and back again over the last while. I'm getting dizzy from all the swinging. I gained weight on vacation and now I weigh more than I've ever weighed in my life. Good times. The only good thing is it's tan :-D. Once I go back to my normal eating habits hopefully I'll drop a little of that. I need to exercise too.

I need to put my hope back where it belongs. Not feeling too deserving of anything good from Him lately though. We never really are though. Human feelings are silly. Guess I need to go get things done.

Back to life, back to reality

I'm so not thrilled about this whole back to the real world thing. I just had one of the most pleasant weeks of my life and it's over in more ways than just the obvious and it really sucks. It was so nice to have your biggest worry be whether to go to the beach or the pool. Should I wear spf 6 or 8? It was a tough life. No cell phones, no computers, no staying up later than you felt like or getting up earlier than desired. No phone calls from scheduling, or from anyone actually. And it seems that scheduling hates me for going on vacation and thinks I should suffer for it. I have to leave for work in about 45 min. They called me a ton of times this morning and evidently my voicemail isn't working. They put me as unavailable on reserve cause I don't answer unless they leave me a message. Thankfully I woke up and checked my schedule online and called them back.

I need something serious to get me out of this funk. Other than the fact that my job got me to Costa Rica just now for free, I hate it. I'm so sick of being on reserve. So sick of being broke. Sick of having no control over my schedule. I have two things coming up the week after this one that are of utmost importance to me and I'm supposed to be working both days, and they won't help me out at all. I need to stop complaining and go get dressed for work. ugh. When my phone started ringing this morning I was dreaming that I was still in Costa Rica and wondered how I had gotten service down there. Watch out passengers! I'm in a super-post-vacation-funk. I want to go back to bed and wake up and things be perfect again.

PS.

If I could bottle the smell of spring time right now I could be happy forever. Everywhere I go outside it smells like honeysuckle and other beautiful things. It seems like if you smell something like that enough then the beauty of it would eventually seep into your heart and soul. How can unhappiness live in a place where beauty also lives?

Love is patient

Love is kind

It does not envy

It does not boast

It is not proud

It is not rude

It is not self-seeking

It is not easily angered

It keeps no record of wrongs

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects

Always trusts

Always hopes

Always perseveres

Love never fails

I want to go to sleep and let the smells of beauty make my dreams beautiful and my sleep sweet. It's been a struggle to have sweet dreams lately. I have to give up what I want and allow whatever God wants. There are so many things in life that are easier said than done. So many things that make sense in hind sight. So much advice that can be given after the fact, when the pain is gone and you're dealing with someone else's pain, on the outside looking in. It's so hard for the rational to dominate the emotional. I'm happy for tomorrow. Partially because I don't know what good things it could hold. Partially cause I'm going to get a haircut and I need one so bad. Mostly because, even though I will never deserve it, God loves me more than anyone, myself included, could ever love me. Why can't I focus on that? I think I need to make it a practice to live more love in my life. The right kind of love as well. I was remembering the verse today that says they will know we are Christians by our love. Not by the sermons we preach or anything like that. Simply by our love. I think maybe the aspect of love I need to work on right now is patience. Need to stop thinking I know what the future will hold. Stop fretting about what I think may or may not happen. Just be patient and trust. Blah blah blah. Like I said, easier said than done.

This is not cheerful

I hate it when I do something that I know is going to cause me pain. I know it will hurt. There's no way it can't. And I do it anyway. I'm tired of all the emotions I've been feeling lately. I want my boring, happy life back. I want to feel peaceful and cared for. I hate being confused. I hate hurting. I hate crying. Caring really is the devil. Anyone who tells you different is seriously mistaken.

dreams of cats

I've had two bad dreams lately regarding my family and the house we live in (even though I don't really live with them anymore). I took a long nap and don't feel any better. I don't know what to do.

In my dream we lived in this huge house. I feel like this guy that l lived in the same house as in England lived there, and I think Angela did too (even though she's married now - go figure). I needed to move rooms or something and there was this big problem until I remembered about this huge suite on the second floor that noone used. It was massive with it's own living room and huge bathroom. The only thing was one of my siblings or Angela kept their cat in there. I said why don't we close off the one room and I'll just have the bathroom and bedroom but noone seemed interested. We went in there, my mom and sibs and I and the cat had had kittens so there were medium sized little kittens, few months old probably, and tiny ones, few weeks maybe. They and their mother would attack everyone who came near them, but noone except me seemed to have a problem with. Everyone else just picked them up using towels and stuff. It was one of those dreams where I'm so upset, I would yell if I could, but noone seems to care.

No wonder I feel worse now.

To nap, or not to nap. That is a very tough question.

I'm finally home. I haven't been gone that long but it seems like forever. I haven't even been working that much and I'm exhausted. I have been getting up really early though. I guess the staying up late this weekend to start off my trip didn't help anything. I felt more rested this morning but after the flight I drove to Fayetteville to get my car alligned (one or two Ls?). I sat there long enough to get tired again, or for the morning adrenaline to wear off.

This morning was so frustrating. I turned the water on in the shower. Pushed it in the direction of the arrow with the H. After waiting more than 5 minutes it was still freezing cold. I was going to be late for the van and wasn't about to take a cold shower but wasn't about to go without one. I checked the sink to make there was hot water period and after finding out there was I called the front desk. She didn't know what to tell me. So finally now, with 20 minutes til I'm supposed to be out the door I push the handle almost to the off position. It didn't seem as cold and finally got hot. So the freaking handle in the shower was backwards. Then after I got out of the shower and was running around trying to get dressed I couldn't find my bra. The place we stayed in was the size of a one bedroom apartment so I was running back and forth checking everywhere. I was trying to imagine that one - calling my captain and saying sorry, I can't go. I can't find my bra. I eventually found it (obviously, since I'm not still in PA). The hotel was so nice. It's a shame to have all that space to yourself. There were some table out behind it and we sat out for a while last night looking across the valley. Our captain has been with ASA for 16 years and the FO had only been there about 7 months. I ate too much and went to sleep early. The hotel put bath & body works stuff in our bathrooms which was really nice.

I got two new uniform shirts today. They are actually really nice shirts and it makes me happy. I can at least look a little more presentable. I also got a tie the other day from the bride's brother at the wedding on Saturday. That pretty much made my day. It's pink and white (which is why he was more than happy to give it away). It's funny the little things that can just make all the difference in your day - good and bad. I had to get my brakes fixed, oil changed, and car aligned (I just checked. It's just one L). I also found out I have to get the other CV boot replaced. It's all going to be around $500, which absolutely rocks my face off.... ugh. That's one of those things that has a tendency to bring your day down. Maybe that's why I got tired again. I should go take a nap.

I've also got to figure out how I'm going to get off for the wedding I'll be in at the end of this month. I called them to get my off days switched and found out it's a holiday weekend which pretty much means they wont' give me off. I don't know what I'll do though. Makes me more tired just thinking about it...

Warning: Written by a very tired girl

I can't believe it's May already...

I'm writing this from Wilkes-Barre, PA. Spent yesterday in McAllen, TX and had a great time. Worked on my tan, ate Mexican food, flew with one of my good friends. Got back this morning. Was feeling very exhausted, ready to go home and get a hair cut, when they extend me to come up here. I didn't mind particularly. Just that I'm so tired. I got to see one of my favorite people today and he gave me a very nice note and a copy of Jack Johnson's Curious George. Definitely made my day. *sigh*
There is a lot of stuff that I would write about right now but I am sooo tired. I can't do it. I'm going to listen to this cd and go to sleep.