Catch me ridin dirty

I have just spent 33 of the last 75 hours driving/riding and I'm officially sick of it. As we pulled into the apartment and waited for the gate to open I noticed that my car was smoking a lot. Not good but I guess good timing. I'm tired of riding and looking and thinking and listening to music and driving and looking and thinking and trying to find a radio station and thinking. Can someone please shut my brain off?

Silly, silly me...

I rushed around this morning to make it downstairs for a 1230van and at 1235 I asked the guy where everyone was. Oops... the van is at 1330. Go me. At least I won't be late now. I just talked to J a while ago and he miscalculated the bus time but it made him late. Crazy us.

The last few days have been crazy. I worked Mon am. Did naps Tues and Wed. Got back Thurs morning, went home, showered and packed and flew up to LEX for Shua's birthday that night. Flew home Friday. Went home, did laundry and felt kind of rotten. Almost called in sick for my trip this week. Had to duty in at 5am on Saturday which meant I had to wake up at 3:20. Saturday was one of the hardest days it seemed cause I was so tired and still not feeling too hot for some reason. Flew to Cinci, Greenville, back to Cinci, then to Tulsa. They were having Mayfest in Tulsa which was a big art fair out in the streets in the city all around our hotel. I napped by the pool for a while, then decided to wander around and see what all this Mayfest stuff was about. I ended up sitting on a bench for about 2hrs and watching the people go by. I saw more lesbians (and not the hot ones) than I've ever seen in one place. There was such a variety of people there. It was kind of sad cause you could tell a lot of them were all done up to go to the festival and they just looked misfortunate. I know I'm not the most fashionable person ever, but at least I don't have paw print tattoos on my inner thighs and shorts so short you can see them. There were so many crazy looking people I can't even begin to describe them. I wish I had had a camera just to document the oddity of it all. But it was thoroughly fascinating. One thing that I've been noticing a lot lately are wedding rings.. I'm not sure why, and that doesn't really matter. What it's making me notice though is that the most unattractive people have them, which to me says that someone, somewhere loves them and thinks they're attractive. I know it isn't 100rue but when I see women with rings on it just says "Someone loves me". Makes me a little jealous honestly. I must be coming down with something cause that is not how I normally think.

We have to leave in a minute and I'll be home tonight. I'm glad. Have to go back to Atlanta first, then do a Memphis round trip. These days have been really long. We worked from 12:30 to 12:30 yesterday. Little brother is graduating from high school tomorrow. It just hit me that it's really happening. I've felt so much more peaceful lately. I'm so glad. I can only handle so much unhappiness. Life is good and I am blessed. Hopefully I'll be off tomorrow and can do something chill. I miss my friends and family. They rock my face off.

egg drop soup. mmm....

I think it's about time I wrote a happy blog, and since I feel very happy today I figured this would be as good a time as any. Yesterday was not one of my finer days. I got home from work, went to sleep around 11am and didn't wake up until 4pm. I still felt tired and awful. I was feeling sad cause I missed someone, but looking forward to going to church and spending time with my family last night. I haven't gotten to go to church in a while and I can feel it. I just really wanted to be around people that would encourage me. Then I check my schedule and see that scheduling has given me another nap last night and taken my off day today. It was just the icing on the cake at that point. I can handle when scheduling screws me around on a good day, but when I'm already feeling like crap sometimes I just feel like I can't take it anymore. I still ended up getting to eat with my mom and Mook but couldn't make church. It was cool cause mashed potatoes are one of my comfort foods and my mom had made them and chicken and gravy. All smooshy foods she said, which I realized is one of the qualities I like about mashed potatoes. It's all soft and warm and makes your belly feel good.

I went to work and survived. I didn't stress myself out about going to sleep last night. I've been having trouble lately. I made a card for someone and went to sleep when I was tired enough. I only got 3 hrs of sleep and overslept this morning but oh well. At the time it stressed me out so bad I almost put my bra on over my undershirt, but it really wasn't that big of a deal.

Yesterday morning on my flight I had a big black lady on there and her name was Lillie White. I thought it was hilarious and laughed quietly inside a great deal. I really hope that's her married name. Today out of the 38 people on the flight, 3 of them had a very distinct lazy eye. Not a droopy eyelid lazy eye, but a "I'm not sure which eye to look at" lazy eye. Craziness. So now it's 9am and I've been home from work for 30 min. I'm eating someone's leftover eggdrop soup (don't be mad Tanya). It makes me happy cause it's warm and yummy. I feel so much better today than I did yesterday. I'm not sure exactly why but I'm glad. It feels good to feel good. May the good feelings continue.

The other night when I couldn't fall asleep I remembered how God tells us to cast all our cares on Him and to take every thought captive for Him. I realized I've been trying to bear so much on my own. All of these things are completely out of my control but I still let them consume my thoughts, so every time a new thought would come to mind I had to make myself realize what the worry was in it and just say, God, here is this bill, this person, this bad feeling. I can't handle it. It's really a good feeling to know your problems are in Someone else's hands. Especially someone who is much more capable and sees the big picture.

same ol' same ol'

In a way I don't feel like writing because I get tired of what I have to say. I pretty much have one thing on my mind constantly so it's hard to write about much else. One of these days I'll write about our trip. It was amazing. It's over. I'm sad about the trip being over but more sad about other things that are over. I still wish there was that wild card that I could play to make the deal that can't be made otherwise.

Davefm's radio free lunch today is songs that give advice. Very fun.
I'm trying to bring some sort of order to my apartment. It's taking too long. I started going through stuff this morning and had to stop cause it made me too sad. U2 says I've got to get myself together. They're right.

Yesterday when I went to work so hating everything I ended up flying with two of the most cheerful pilots ever. It was really good for me cause they made me feel more cheerful. It's a good thing they weren't the ASA hating complaining type that would've just fed the bad feelings I had at the time. I finally got to sleep really late today. I needed it, though I think I had some weird dreams. I've got to do a nap tonight but it's going to be a really easy one. We have 9:13 on the ground which means I can still get a good night's rest. I need to go to Walmart and run other errands but I've been putting it off as much as possible. That would mean I have to get decent looking.

Some days I have the energy to talk myself out of funks that I'm in but lately not so much. I have been riding the pendulum from hopeful to hopeless and back again over the last while. I'm getting dizzy from all the swinging. I gained weight on vacation and now I weigh more than I've ever weighed in my life. Good times. The only good thing is it's tan :-D. Once I go back to my normal eating habits hopefully I'll drop a little of that. I need to exercise too.

I need to put my hope back where it belongs. Not feeling too deserving of anything good from Him lately though. We never really are though. Human feelings are silly. Guess I need to go get things done.

Back to life, back to reality

I'm so not thrilled about this whole back to the real world thing. I just had one of the most pleasant weeks of my life and it's over in more ways than just the obvious and it really sucks. It was so nice to have your biggest worry be whether to go to the beach or the pool. Should I wear spf 6 or 8? It was a tough life. No cell phones, no computers, no staying up later than you felt like or getting up earlier than desired. No phone calls from scheduling, or from anyone actually. And it seems that scheduling hates me for going on vacation and thinks I should suffer for it. I have to leave for work in about 45 min. They called me a ton of times this morning and evidently my voicemail isn't working. They put me as unavailable on reserve cause I don't answer unless they leave me a message. Thankfully I woke up and checked my schedule online and called them back.

I need something serious to get me out of this funk. Other than the fact that my job got me to Costa Rica just now for free, I hate it. I'm so sick of being on reserve. So sick of being broke. Sick of having no control over my schedule. I have two things coming up the week after this one that are of utmost importance to me and I'm supposed to be working both days, and they won't help me out at all. I need to stop complaining and go get dressed for work. ugh. When my phone started ringing this morning I was dreaming that I was still in Costa Rica and wondered how I had gotten service down there. Watch out passengers! I'm in a super-post-vacation-funk. I want to go back to bed and wake up and things be perfect again.

PS.

If I could bottle the smell of spring time right now I could be happy forever. Everywhere I go outside it smells like honeysuckle and other beautiful things. It seems like if you smell something like that enough then the beauty of it would eventually seep into your heart and soul. How can unhappiness live in a place where beauty also lives?

Love is patient

Love is kind

It does not envy

It does not boast

It is not proud

It is not rude

It is not self-seeking

It is not easily angered

It keeps no record of wrongs

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects

Always trusts

Always hopes

Always perseveres

Love never fails

I want to go to sleep and let the smells of beauty make my dreams beautiful and my sleep sweet. It's been a struggle to have sweet dreams lately. I have to give up what I want and allow whatever God wants. There are so many things in life that are easier said than done. So many things that make sense in hind sight. So much advice that can be given after the fact, when the pain is gone and you're dealing with someone else's pain, on the outside looking in. It's so hard for the rational to dominate the emotional. I'm happy for tomorrow. Partially because I don't know what good things it could hold. Partially cause I'm going to get a haircut and I need one so bad. Mostly because, even though I will never deserve it, God loves me more than anyone, myself included, could ever love me. Why can't I focus on that? I think I need to make it a practice to live more love in my life. The right kind of love as well. I was remembering the verse today that says they will know we are Christians by our love. Not by the sermons we preach or anything like that. Simply by our love. I think maybe the aspect of love I need to work on right now is patience. Need to stop thinking I know what the future will hold. Stop fretting about what I think may or may not happen. Just be patient and trust. Blah blah blah. Like I said, easier said than done.

This is not cheerful

I hate it when I do something that I know is going to cause me pain. I know it will hurt. There's no way it can't. And I do it anyway. I'm tired of all the emotions I've been feeling lately. I want my boring, happy life back. I want to feel peaceful and cared for. I hate being confused. I hate hurting. I hate crying. Caring really is the devil. Anyone who tells you different is seriously mistaken.

dreams of cats

I've had two bad dreams lately regarding my family and the house we live in (even though I don't really live with them anymore). I took a long nap and don't feel any better. I don't know what to do.

In my dream we lived in this huge house. I feel like this guy that l lived in the same house as in England lived there, and I think Angela did too (even though she's married now - go figure). I needed to move rooms or something and there was this big problem until I remembered about this huge suite on the second floor that noone used. It was massive with it's own living room and huge bathroom. The only thing was one of my siblings or Angela kept their cat in there. I said why don't we close off the one room and I'll just have the bathroom and bedroom but noone seemed interested. We went in there, my mom and sibs and I and the cat had had kittens so there were medium sized little kittens, few months old probably, and tiny ones, few weeks maybe. They and their mother would attack everyone who came near them, but noone except me seemed to have a problem with. Everyone else just picked them up using towels and stuff. It was one of those dreams where I'm so upset, I would yell if I could, but noone seems to care.

No wonder I feel worse now.

To nap, or not to nap. That is a very tough question.

I'm finally home. I haven't been gone that long but it seems like forever. I haven't even been working that much and I'm exhausted. I have been getting up really early though. I guess the staying up late this weekend to start off my trip didn't help anything. I felt more rested this morning but after the flight I drove to Fayetteville to get my car alligned (one or two Ls?). I sat there long enough to get tired again, or for the morning adrenaline to wear off.

This morning was so frustrating. I turned the water on in the shower. Pushed it in the direction of the arrow with the H. After waiting more than 5 minutes it was still freezing cold. I was going to be late for the van and wasn't about to take a cold shower but wasn't about to go without one. I checked the sink to make there was hot water period and after finding out there was I called the front desk. She didn't know what to tell me. So finally now, with 20 minutes til I'm supposed to be out the door I push the handle almost to the off position. It didn't seem as cold and finally got hot. So the freaking handle in the shower was backwards. Then after I got out of the shower and was running around trying to get dressed I couldn't find my bra. The place we stayed in was the size of a one bedroom apartment so I was running back and forth checking everywhere. I was trying to imagine that one - calling my captain and saying sorry, I can't go. I can't find my bra. I eventually found it (obviously, since I'm not still in PA). The hotel was so nice. It's a shame to have all that space to yourself. There were some table out behind it and we sat out for a while last night looking across the valley. Our captain has been with ASA for 16 years and the FO had only been there about 7 months. I ate too much and went to sleep early. The hotel put bath & body works stuff in our bathrooms which was really nice.

I got two new uniform shirts today. They are actually really nice shirts and it makes me happy. I can at least look a little more presentable. I also got a tie the other day from the bride's brother at the wedding on Saturday. That pretty much made my day. It's pink and white (which is why he was more than happy to give it away). It's funny the little things that can just make all the difference in your day - good and bad. I had to get my brakes fixed, oil changed, and car aligned (I just checked. It's just one L). I also found out I have to get the other CV boot replaced. It's all going to be around $500, which absolutely rocks my face off.... ugh. That's one of those things that has a tendency to bring your day down. Maybe that's why I got tired again. I should go take a nap.

I've also got to figure out how I'm going to get off for the wedding I'll be in at the end of this month. I called them to get my off days switched and found out it's a holiday weekend which pretty much means they wont' give me off. I don't know what I'll do though. Makes me more tired just thinking about it...

Warning: Written by a very tired girl

I can't believe it's May already...

I'm writing this from Wilkes-Barre, PA. Spent yesterday in McAllen, TX and had a great time. Worked on my tan, ate Mexican food, flew with one of my good friends. Got back this morning. Was feeling very exhausted, ready to go home and get a hair cut, when they extend me to come up here. I didn't mind particularly. Just that I'm so tired. I got to see one of my favorite people today and he gave me a very nice note and a copy of Jack Johnson's Curious George. Definitely made my day. *sigh*
There is a lot of stuff that I would write about right now but I am sooo tired. I can't do it. I'm going to listen to this cd and go to sleep.

PS.

I remembered what was really getting me down. Even more than rain and gray skies, more than being broke, and wasting time and energy. I found out recently that a couple I know and have respected and loved for many years is having serious problems. I don't have much faith in relationships to begin with and seeing something like this happen really shakes me down deep. It makes me sad and hope that it really, somehow isn't true. I know no relationship is perfect. Mine aren't, my friends' aren't, my parents' isn't, none of my friend's parents' are. But you still like to think that it is possible to have a good relationship and make it last. That's what scares me the most. It's not getting dumped by some guy, getting cheated on by a boyfriend, or getting married and it falling apart right now. It's being married for years and years, building a life together, having children together, starting to grow old together, and THEN it falling apart. As a young person I'd like to think that you get to a safe point where you know it's gonna last forever, but it doesn't seem that way. Even people that have been married 20 and 30 years get divorced. It's just scary because you could marry the perfect person and 20 years down the road they get that itch or whatever it is. They decide they don't love you anymore. How can you ever really know that isn't going to happen? It's such a risk. It's one thing to see a bad marriage collapse. It's almost expected. But it's another thing to see one that you thought was as close to perfect as you can get fall apart. I guess you never really know what's going on on the inside though... Good times.

On a lighter note, what is it about new shoes that makes you want to wear them ALL the time?? Even while cleaning your room. It's so much fun. At least that makes me happy.

The sun'll come out tomorrow (I hope)

I don't like this weather. It's really sad how directly connected my mood and the weather are. I should feel great right now cause I got a few things done this morning, but alas, it's gray and rainy outside and I feel gray and rainy inside. I was going to play tennis today as well. I slept really late today as well which bugs me. I've been having sleeping issues though. Blah.

I hate spending money but sometimes you just can't avoid it. You know buying food and such other frivolities. The other day I went shopping for a new swimming suit and ended up buying 3 of them because I couldn't decide which one looked best on me. So after much consultation, I decided which one I wanted and Roomie T wants one of the others, so I took the other one back this morning. While I'm in there I decided to have a wander through the shoes and I found a pair of really cute brown sandals. They were only $11 and I have been looking for some for a while so I got them. So I do my smart thing of taking the suit back but end up spending most of the money on something else. Also found out my rotars are warped so I have to get that taken care of on Friday. More money down the drain. Not that it matters cause I'm a big baller with lamborghini doors on my escalade. That's why I just had tuna and crackers for lunch. I had some stuff to mail and a work shirt to return that was the wrong size. I finally find a place to get envelopes and mail stuff and as I'm walking in the store I see that there is a spot on the shirt from where some stupid teenage boys were goofing off and threw orange drink everywhere. So now I have to go home, wash the spot out, then mail it another day. Wasted trip. I'm such a complainer. More frustrated I guess. I also kept going the wrong way, or just not the best way, when I was trying to get stuff done. I don't know why that bugs me so much but I like to be efficient about this and not be driving all over the place, spending more time and gas than necessary. I think it's also part of my man side that gets irritated about not where I'm going.

I have to do a nap tonight which I'm way thrilled about. That means I don't get to play volleyball. I shouldn't be complaining though cause I haven't had to work since Sunday. But it's rainy outside so I'm going to complain anyway. The nice thing about not working is that I got to see one of my friends who is in town. Yay! She rocks my face off.

I don't really have anything interesting to say. I need to shower but was hoping to exercise so I've been putting it off. Need to clean my room. I shoved everything in piles last night when my friend spent the night. Guess I should get to it. I need to go cross all the things I've gotten done off my list and hopefully that will make me feel better. The price of gas these days is also depressing me. I need to be happy cause I have a car, a job, a new swimming suit, a full stomach, hair to wash, friends to spend time with, stories to write about... You get it, and I think I do too.

hairy armpits and avocados.. mmm

I just got home from work and it was such a jolly good day. Started off a bit rough cause I didn't get up when I was supposed to (even though i had been waking up since 7something). I did a Portland, Maine round trip and had such nice people going both ways. On the way up there were a ton of kids, including identical twin girls with the biggest, brownest eyes ever. I love brown eyes. Blue eyes are pretty but there is just something I adore about brown ones. Two kids were fighting for the first 20 minutes of the flight, which included a great deal of yelling and shrieking. This is always a touchy situation cause I know parent's are embarrassed (ones with common decency are anyway) and other passengers are annoyed. I never know if I should try to say something to the kids or if they parents will get pissed off. I finally went up to them and told them that fighting wasn't allowed on the plane. That including tickling and kicking. Calmed them down for at least 5 minutes.

On the way back I had all kinds of fun people. They were cracking jokes during my announcements, which doesn't bother me. At least I know they're fun. Then, mid-announcement, I watch as the lady in the front row raises her arm to adjust the air vent. As she does this I can see what appears to be a lifetime's worth of growth under her arm. I was so in shock and was very thankful that I don't have to think while I do my announcements anymore because my thoughts were far, far from seatbelts and oxygen masks. I was doing all I could to keep from laughing and noone really knew why. Good times. I noticed later she had the leg hair to match, and was breast feeding her daughter who was almost a year and a half. The daughter was adorable and reminded me so much of Olive, the little girl I took care of in Spain. She was a beautiful blue-eyed blond, with dimples and a great personality. She kept everyone entertained.

There was also a group of middle age people who were giving me the usual "the gate agent told me you were serving filet mignon and free drinks". Then they were making bets as to where I was from. One thought I was from Cincinatti and the other guessed upstate NY. They couldn't believe I was from ATL. Had the same conversation with another couple. I'm not sure why but I'm so glad I don't sound southern. The next time I went through they asked me how old I was. They had bet on this question as well. I couldn't believe it though when they started making their guesses. It made me promise myself to never get upset when I get carded or someone thinks I'm young again. The two men each thought I was 28 and 32 and the lady guessed correctly!!! I was blown away. People don't usually even guess close to my age, much less guess older than I am. It nearly ruined my day.

Last night I went with my friend, who I visited while she was living in Bosnia, to a Bosnian restaurant here in Atlanta. It was really funny. We got there around 7 and were the only customers there. It was very similar to Bosnia in that there were no menus, it was kind of this is what you get. We had cevapi, which I had while I was in Sarajevo. It was the only thing available, but was really good. They said they were supposed to have other stuff but the truck had never arrived. The guy that was serving us didn't really work there either. They told us there were supposed to be singers there but they didnt' know where they were either. This is all typical to Bosnia. Everyone was friendly and a few more people showed up but we only stayed til about 9. They supposedly have a disco there later, which I would have really liked to see, but maybe next time.

Also went to the Dekalb Farmer's Market yesterday with J. I've been trying to get him to go for months cause he likes all kinds of foods and cultures. We mainly browsed. I got a few things including fresh baked french bread and avocados which we ended up eating together on the way home. Best avo I've had in months and months. I think I might have another now. Waiting for my crazy roomie to get home. See what kind of trouble we can get ourselves into tonight.

Currently reading : Black Like Me By John Howard Griffin

crazy eyes

The other day as I was trying to go to sleep I experienced something really bizarre. You know how you have the REM (rapid eye movement) stage of sleep? Have you ever watched someone sleep and seen their eyes moving under their lids? I was almost all the way asleep but evidently just awake enough to realize that my eyes were moving rapidly about. It was the weirdest thing cause my mind started focusing on my eye movement but evidently not enough to wake up eyes up and make them stop. It started driving me crazy. I was so tired and I just wanted to shut my eyes so they would hold still and I could sleep but they were already shut. That would be torture for me not to be able to shut my eyes and sleep ever. I guess somewhere in the vagueness of semi-sleep land either my mind shut off or my eyes stopped twitching and I slept but it was a really weird feeling. I think my mind and body aren't in agreement on sleep half the time. I've just never been this aware of it.

Today is my last day off and I'm determined to enjoy it. Sounds like I'll be doing all sorts of cultural things today. I'll let you know if they do, in fact, take place.

Saw my baby sister play her violin last night. They sounded so good and she is so pretty. I love her. I love all my family. They're the best ever. I'm so blessed. If anyone needs a family I'd be more than happy to share.

This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Anika tagged me

Tag I'm it!!

1. My room is so messy but my closet is crazy organized, by colors, sleeve length, and everything.

2. I'm an affection junkie.

3. I get motion sick very easily. Lots of times on swings. Sometimes even on airplanes at work.

4. I think way too much like a man.

5. I'm from Georgia but I don't like sweet tea.

6. Whenever I fall asleep I like to have something touching my cheek, and right before I go to sleep, no matter what position I was in, I always turn on my side. That's how I know I'm really going to sleep. Yay!


So the rules are, once you've been tagged, you have to write a blog with 6 weird things/habits about yourself. In the end you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their comments and tell them to read your blog.


I tag...

1. Tanya
2. Amie
3. Kathryn
4. Roya
5. Adri
6. Carson
7. Peter
8. Anyone else who wants to do this cause I want you all to do it.

Happy Friday to me

I should be going to sleep right now but I'm going to clear my head so I can sleep nice. I've done naps the last two nights and I'm hating this sleep schedule. Last night I went to Omaha and we didn't get to the hotel til 1:30 CST and had to go back to the airport at 5am. So basically I slept 3 hrs. There were times on the flight this morning I had no idea what was going on and had to stop and really focus on what I was doing. It's outrageous. The night before last I did a Dothan, AL nap which was a piece of cake. 8.5 hrs on the ground and only a 30 min flight, but it's hard for me to go to sleep and the alarm in the room started to go off extra early so I still didn't sleep much. Then good old ATC turned our 30 min flight into almost an hour. Blah blah blah.

Last night we were in the lounge waiting for our plane to arrive and one of the rampers came in and asked who was going to Colombus last night. They had hooked up the ground power to the plane and then driven the truck away without unhooking it and pulled a part of the side of the plane off. These are the brilliant people we have working the ramp in Atlanta. It was funny though and we all wished he had done it to our plane so we could go home. My captain last night told me about a flight attendant who told everyone the flight was to Maconga. (This makes me laugh just thinking about it). Everyone, including the pilots were really confused. She went up there and showed them the downline with all the flight info on it and sure enough, at the top it said MACON,GA. It obviously takes a lot of brains to work in the airline industry.

I told my pilot's yesterday that I broke my armpit, cause it hurts really bad and I don't know why. It was pretty much the entertainment of the trip - talking about getting it x-rayed, then getting a cast on it, wearing it for 6 months (cause that's how long broken armpits take to heal), the resulting hairiness and smelliness, how noone would want to fly with me, and how if I didn't get it fixed it'd heal wrong and I'd be the girl with the crooked armpit and noone would want to fly with me then either and no man would ever love me. My FO said that once he broke his butt and now he has a crack in it :-P. He said they used to freak his little cousin out by saying that it was weird that he had a crack in his butt cause noone else did. The Captain got cat scratch fever in his armpit... He had to have it amputated.. hehe. Good times. (He really did get cat scratch fever though.)

It's so nice to be home for a few days. I'm hoping to work or something in between but I'll be happy if I can just get a decent night's sleep.

One thing that I realized I despise, in myself and others, is insecurity. Probably more so in myself than in others because I can't know the reasons for other people's insecurities. But they just frustrate me. I hate my feelings and/or actions being controlled by silly, often unfounded thoughts that I have about myself. I tried on swimming suits and sunglasses yesterday, which reminded me of this. I would like to not worry about what other people think and just say, as long as I am happy with X then that's all that matters. I would like to see that in those I care about as well. I hate when someone is scared to speak up, even just to give their opinion, cause they're afraid of the response.

I also hate neighbor's that have annoying dogs that bark ALL DAY LONG. I'm going to go kill it..... ahhhhh.... silence

For those who love lists

I am an avid list maker. I make lists out of necessity, but I also make them because I enjoy them. Sometimes when I can't sleep all I have to do is get a piece of paper, make a list of what's keeping me up (usually stuff I HAVE to remember to do the next day) and then I can sleep. I make lists on my hands, on random pieces of paper while in my jumpseat, on my mirror - basically wherever I can make one, and then when I get to my planner I re-copy them in there so they be more organized. Sometimes I re-copy things that I've already done just so I can cross them off the list in my planner. It makes me feel like I've accomplished something.

The reason I thought about writing this today is because I thought of a way to make lists more fun (for those of you who don't think they're fun already). My list usually has stuff like pay bills, clean room, do laundry - really boring stuff. So I also write fun stuff on there (stuff that really needs to be done, mind you) like painting my nails, so then not everything on my list is a miserable chore and I can still get stuff marked off my list.

So I guess I should go pack for my trip so I can mark it off my list...

Labels don't lie

My lesson of the week:
When the label on your medicine says to avoid excessive exposure to sunlight, it really means it. What they need to clarify is that excessive actually means any.
I've been on an antibiotic since last week to clear up the sinus infection I had. It's been working and I'm well now which is fantastic. Yesterday I met my friend at Starbucks and we were sitting outside talking, enjoying the weather, and watching people. I kept checking my arms because on Tuesday I had gotten a little sunburned and it was itching like crazy and didn't want to get burned more. After about an hour and a half (I don't consider this to be an excessive amount of sunlight) we saw a couple that I knew and the wife said she thought I should sit in the shade cause I was getting burned. So now my face and arms are extremely sunburned. You can tell which side of me the sun was on as well because my right arm and right cheek are much pinker than the left. Good times.

My sister Joy came home for Easter weekend yesterday so I drove up to the Varsity to meet her ride and take her the rest of the way home. We drove by our birth place in East Pernt. I'd really like to go back inside the house one day. The hill that it is on seems so small now. It used to be the biggest hill in the world. I guess with erosion and all it's smaller now ;-). Funny how different things seem from only 2 feet further off the ground. Was good to spend time with the fam last night. They're the best. My poor dad had to leave for work, which makes me sad.

And speaking of leaving for work, I have to go pack to spend the weekend in Omaha. I'm flying there tonight and coming back Sunday morning. Then it looks like I have to do a nap on Sunday night as well. I'm off Wed - Fri next week though. Even more good times.

bottled happiness

I know a lot of people think they can find happiness in bottles of different sorts but that's not what I'm talking about. I wish that there was a way to bottle up a good feeling, the smell in the air, the feel of the breeze, the feel of a happy heart, a beautiful day, and save it for when you really, really need it. It's crazy how one day you can feel on top of the world, and the next you are hanging on to happiness by your fingernails. It's about to slip out of your grasp but you know how good it feels and keep hanging on, sinking your nails in deeper, just to keep a little bit of it. Happiness somehow isn't the same when you're having to fight for it.

I hate when I get my feelings hurt and I'm not sure why they're hurt. I hate when your insurance goes down because you turn 25 and then way back up because you live in an expensive county. I hate how you think you have your money under control, bills are paid, and something else comes up. I hate when I sleep too late and waste part of a beautiful day like today.

I love that no matter what I do, or how far I feel from God, He still loves me. I love that He loves me enough to have me cross paths with someone who will remind me that He loves me exactly when I'm feeling my lowest. I love April in Georgia. I love being outside, walking around the lake, smelling the trees and water, feeling the sun on my shoulders, and seeing all the different birds, the squirrels scurrying around doing their thing, people playing with their dogs, fishing, and spending time together or alone. I love that I can call my dad and ask him for advice about my car. I love running into someone unexpectedly and what seems to be a total coincidence turns out to be God's perfect timing in so many ways. This reminds me that despite all my bad timing, I'm not in control of things, and the One who is actually knows what He's doing and isn't trying to screw me over. I love taking a shower after you get good and dirty, and how fresh and clean and renewed you feel. You appreciate the cleanness so much more when you've been really dirty. I love that my list of things that I love is longer than things that I hate. Now I feel like I have a good hand grip on happiness instead of it just being at the edge of my fingernails.

... but I'm not a soldier

Today is definitely one of those days when I couldn't possibly love life anymore. I'm feeling sooo much better than I have for the last week. I have just under a month before we got to Costa Rica so it's (no pun intended) crunch time. J text me this morning and we went and walked for 40 minutes. I can feel how un-well I've been because it really wasn't easy. We were walking really fast but still... The weather is amazing today. It's warm in the sun with a cool breeze blowing to keep it from getting too hot.

Yesterday is when I really started feeling better. I slept til about noon (sucks cause I missed church for the millionth time lately). Then I went to my parent's house and ate lunch. My throat and mouth are so much better that I can eat almost anything without excruciating pain. My family is the best. It makes me happy to be around them. They bought me chrystalized ginger that's supposed to help with motion sickness. My mom and Mook gave me a big bag of jelly bellys they got at the jelly belly factory when they went to CA. My mom also gave me a prescription bottle full of jelly bellys and she had altered the label so it was really funny. She said they were happy pills. not to be up your nose or in your ears. Warning: they may be addictive. produces gotta-have-moreitis. May stick to your ribs.. and all sorts of other funny cute things like that. It's so weird to only have two kids in their house, though Mook's friend is there a lot. They can't get away from kids.
Last night I finished a story I've been working on for this contest. I sent it to some of my uber smart friends for suggestions and got some good ones. Need to finish it today or tomorrow.

After I got back from walking I worked out my shoulders and triceps and did 270 crunches. I voluntarily ate oatmeal for the second time in years and years. Been listening to music while I exercise and there are certain songs that just make my heart happy and make me want to dance, air guitar, or just jump around crazy. Or maybe it's just that my heart is happy today and anything brings it out. I think Alice Cooper's Poison is such a fabulous song, La Tortura - Shakira, All These Things That I Have Done - The Killers. They just rock my face off. Now it's some ghetto song "I need a dime, top of the line, cute face, little waist, and a big behind." I listen to such quality music :-P. I need to go through my music on here cause I've got so much stuff I just downloaded looking for something else and a lot of it is crap.

Gotta go order some shoes for Chas's wedding and I don't think I can ignore the need to go to Walmart anymore. Ugh...

In case you haven't noticed - life is good. Hope it is for you as well.