Doctor's orders

How does a little piece of paper from a doctor finally make me feel justified lying around at home? I went to the doctor yesterday afternoon. My dear Roomie A went with me, which turned out to be a good thing cause she's getting sick too. She also kept me entertained while we waited for the work in appointment. He said I have a sinus infection which somehow has made my throat hurt like the devil. He recommended I take 3 days off work to heal and said that the sinus infection is most likely the reason I threw up on my flight the other day. He said I can pretty much expect to be sick a lot in the first year of my job and there isn't a whole lot I can do about it. Yay!! My face feels better today but I feel like my wisdom teeth are growing in, except I got them taken out years ago. I bought two boxes of popsicles yesterday and have eaten about half a box so far. I called in last night and tonight and won't be working again until Tuesday probably. So now it's just me and Roomie A sitting around, watching too much tv, playing on the internet and moaning about how bad we feel. She's lost most of her voice which is kind of funny.

I went to sleep last night with my window open about 8 inches so I could get a breeze in my room. As I was falling asleep I started hearing the frogs singing (always a sign it's going to rain). A few hours later I was awakened by the sound of heavy rain falling. It was absolutely beautiful. Then it started thundering and scared the crap out of me. It was so loud the car alarms in our parking lot started going off and it looked like it was daylight outside. I finally got up when I couldn't sleep anymore and have migrated back to the living. Being sick is really boring.

PS. I know people are reading my blogs... Some of you (Kat and Carson) are brave enough to leave me comments and I think you're rockstars for it.

I can't sleep

What part of I only slept 4 hours last night does my body not understand? I was going to read myself to sleep earlier with a book that J lent me, but I have finished the book and am still awake. It was really weird and interesting but I'm thinking more weird. I drank coffee this morning which is unusual for me and now I wonder if it's responsible for my sleeplessness. Seems like a bit of a stretch since I drank it at 5:45 this morning. On top of that my face hurts and it's really hot in here, but my feet are cold. This is nonsense. I have a doctor's appointment today and I have a feeling I'm not working tonight. I don't know what makes me feel like I need to suffer for my company's sake. They have a million other reserves out there they can use instead of me going to work feeling miserable, ears, face, throat hurting. The end of my nose feels like I bumped it in my sleep or something... Weird... I also need to spare my other crew members the agony of being around such a whiner as myself anyway. The sucky thing too is that my family is going to the farmer's market, little 5 and stone mountain today and I really wanted to go with but I can't now :(.

On a less complainy note - I was browsing around and was reminded of something I think about a lot at work. Whenever I work I see all different kinds of people. Depending on the day it could be a few hundred that walk past me and I say hello and serve them. And each one of them is so amazingly different from the next. I've seen people that don't fit my mold of beautiful in my mind, but when I see them they are very beautiful in a totally different way. I've seen weird people, ugly people, tall, short, skinny, fat, young, old... It's amazing to me the variety God gave us. It's also amazing to me that no two are exactly the same. When you deal with so many people it's easy to not really look at them but to see them as a whole group of people, but every now and then I get caught up in the realness of each person. The fact that their life is a story, just as interesting and complex to them as each of ours are to us. I heart people. Sometimes I hate people but today I heart them. Maybe cause I'm lying in my bed and not arguing with them over whether their bag really will fit in the overhead - though I never argue. I just let them try and then smile smugly when they have to bring it back to me cause it doesn't fit.) Someone should come entertain me.

sick is the devil

Be warned - pretty much the whole point of this blog is to whine. If you continue reading and you get annoyed with my whining then that's just too bad cause I warned you.

I'm so tired of feeling bad. I wish that I could either get proper sick or get well. None of this in between crap. My throat has been hurting since Sunday. I've been coughing my lungs up every day and every night and I go back and forth between my ears hurting and my head hurting. I couldn't sleep last night cause if I lay on my back I would start coughing and if i lay on my stomach my throat would hurt. Then I had to get up at 5 to fly people back to Atlanta. My doctor is being a stupid head. I just want a refill of the same prescription I got a few months ago cause I have the same sickness.

I slept about 4 hours last night in Chattanooga. Tonight I'll be in Houston with a shorter overnight, St. Louis tomorrow night, and Ft. Walton Beach the next night. I didn't even think it was legal to do 4 naps in a row. Besides being sick naps are the devil. I'll explain what they are so when I refer to naps in the future there will be no confusion. Usually, when you do a trip and you spend the night somewhere you have to get at least 10 hours on the ground for rest. That's from 15 min after the plane lands til 45 min before it leaves the next day. On a nap you have less than 9 hours on the ground and you're considered on duty the whole time so you just do the one flight there and the one back in the morning. The St. Louis nap tomorrow night has 6hr39min on the ground which equals out to about 3something hrs of sleep. After doing a few of these you are absolutely dead. Sure, you get to come home and sleep during the day but it's just not the same. They aren't fun when you're well so they're even worse when you're sick. I thought about calling in sick tonight but like I said before, I feel like I should be dying sick to call in and I'm just in the "I feel really bad and don't want to do anything" stage. Blah.. My coffee from the flight this morning hasn't worn off yet so I can't go to sleep but I'm so tired.

All my whininess aside, life is good. I had a mammogram yesterday so I get to keep my breasts another 6 months, which makes me quite happy. I'm kind of attached to them. I played my violin yesterday and am halfway through a book I started the night before last. Even though I'm doing sucky naps at least I know what I'm doing for the next few days and don't have to sit around wondering (though it's still subject to change). I got my new uniform dress, skirt, and shirt which are all quite nice. They need some alterations but in general the result is good. I'm going to take some more drugs and go to sleep. Hasta la pasta.

I should be sleeping

But I'm not. Instead I'm lying here in bed thinking of things I would rather not think about. I'm feeling kind of lonely. That's what happens when you get used to being around people all the time. I wish I felt better cause then I could've done something with my day besides nap (probably why I can't sleep now). The day started off with such promise. I got up and took all three loads of my laundry down to the place where the laundry is done here so I could dry them all at the same time (our washer is broken). In the meantime I paid some bills and had a depressing conversation with my credit card company. That's when I started to guess that my day wasn't going to be so hot after all. They made me cry I was so frustrated. Yeah, I know it's my fault. I shouldn't have the things in the first place, but just because something is your fault doesn't make it hurt any less... Which brings me to the next reason my day wasn't fun. It's easy to say what you should and shouldn't have done a few months down the road. I'm glad for what has happened and what I've learned and experienced but it's hard because the result, that I knew would happen months ago, is now happening. And it makes me really sad. I know I'm being vague but this is myspace. I do have a little self respect. The moral of the story is today was not one of my favorite days ever. My throat still hurts. My ears still hurt. I still feel like coughing all the time but it hurts when I do. And I'm still sad. I was much better for a while but I think it's one of those 'when it rains it pours' things. The little things that you can deal with on a normal day can really get you down on a not so great day. Bah humbug. I want to go to sleep and not wake up for a long time. Then I would be well hopefully. I need to get motivated to exercise. I was going to volleyball practice but it was the wrong night. I was going to go for a walk/run but everything just kind of aches. Not like full-on flu ache but bad enough to make you just want to go home and do nothing. It sucks cause I feel like I either work ALL the time, or I sit at home and doing nothing ALL the time. I can't wait to have a regular schedule. I will be the happiest girl ever. If you pray I appreciate your prayers.

Talk about multi-tasking

I'm not sure when it happened. I know it's something about me. Not something I can blame on my mom, my upbringing, or my friends... Somewhere along the way I became a person that will eat food that is way past the sell by date, food that has been sitting out, other people's leftovers... just as long as they smell and taste fine still. You'd think I was some starving child from Africa. [A side note about thef 5 second rule - I was watching some tv show the other day that said that it doesn't matter if it's been on the floor for 1 second or 20, it will get the same number of germs on it.] This morning I ate leftover pizza from last night. It wasn't cold pizza because I forgot to put it away so it just sat out all night. Maybe one of these days something will actually make me sick and I'll stop tempting germs like this.

Not only did I eat the room temperature pizza but I ate it in the shower. Is that weird? Am I the only person who has ever eaten any food in the shower?
I just woke up about an hour ago which bugs me but oh well. I'm going to be sitting at the airport until 2230 tonight, unless they use me, but they rarely do when you're on ready reserve. Ready reserve has got to be the lamest way to spend a Friday night. Suppose I should go get ready. Pollen season is here and it's already killing my eyes and nose.

Hey You...

I wish I could talk to you. I wish you were here beside me like you were before. I got in bed tonight and grabbed the other pillow to prop up with and it has the faint smell of you on it. Also has some random short hairs that I know don't belong to me. I just miss you. I have a feeling I'll be missing you a lot for a long time. I'm glad we got to talk more. I'm glad that we can be honest with each other. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one this is hard for. I still feel really awful sometimes because I feel like all this unhappiness is my fault... But what can I do? I'm glad that you are mature enough to still want to be around me and still keep our friendship. I still get scared sometimes that when you start to move on you won't care about that anymore, but worrying over the future never got anyone anything except for a wallow in misery. It's nice not to know what the future holds. I know it's not right for me to hold out hope for the future. I did that once before, and though this situation is by far a different one, it still isn't right to myself or to you to do that. Thankfully you understand that. That still doesn't make any of this easier. Doesn't make it easier when you sit next to me but don't touch me. When you only hug me goodnight and don't kiss me anymore. Doesn't make it any easier to look at your handsome face, see your smile and your dimples, your lovely brown eyes with the dark green edge.. all that I've come to know so well and now I have to make my distance from them. I don't want to dwell on all the things I'm missing out on because I don't want to cry anymore. I have noone to hold me tonight if I cry and that sucks. I'm glad that we can still have a good time and laugh together. I hope that I can be a friend and not let my feelings (and hormones) get in the way. I guess that's all I have to say now. I miss your good night texts. It's lonely in the dark and the quiet. You made it a nice thing but now it's back to a lonely thing again. And possibly more lonely this time since I know what I'm missing out on now. I hope you're sleeping nicely right now since you have to get up so early in the morning. I love the way you get up so early so you can take your time and enjoy your morning. I love the way you pack your lunch and make sure everything is just so. I love the way you spent all day making your car beautiful, and the fact that you let me drive it a lot. I love so many things about you... There have been so many times lately when I wish I could tell you that I love you. I don't know if I'm in love, and even if I am it doesn't matter right now, but I love you as my friend.. someone who has taken the time to learn me inside and out and still likes me. Someone who I can share things with, laugh with, cry if necessary. I can tell you anything and somehow you're still around. I pray that I am doing the right thing, cause it really doesn't feel like it most of the time. I guess I should sleep now. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you were here with me. I hope you thought of me some. I miss you. Sweet dreams. xoxo

the meltdown

The new Ice Age looks really cute. I can't wait to hear the sloth's vertical lishp. It's adorable.

I've had another one of the deep questions of life answered for me. First it was the Mormon underwear, then how grills work, and now the whole European ice thing. Just about everytime I have a European on my flight they ask for no ice in their drink. Someone told me it's because they assume the drinks will be chilled like they are in Europe, but I know for a fact drinks aren't very cold in Europe. Someone else said it was because they like to get more drink and ice means less drink. So I asked some French ladies the other day and they said it's because they don't like their drinks so cold. They say people in the US use too much ice. That was my guess so yay. One less thing to wonder about in life. All these serious questions were really weighing my mind down.

I spent 2 hours today grocery shopping and now I want to die. I'm not sure which part of shopping I hate more. The wandering around for ever, the decision making, or the spending money. Maybe it's all of the above.

Looks like it's going to be a crazy fun Thursday night. It's been so nice sitting at home this week. I did a nap one night and I'm supposed do ready reserve tomorrow and so far that's it. I guess they could call me tonight and send me somewhere. Hold thumbs they don't call. I'm getting tired of being on reserve. Did I ever mention that?

Rob the jewelry store, tell 'em make me a grill

Is it still insomnia if your sleeplessness is in the morning? I've been awake since before 8 and can't go back to sleep and it's irritating me. Especially since I only went to sleep at almost 3. It didn't help that Roomie A was up running around the house yelling about her sister having her baby (not yet but she will soon). And then after she left the neighbor's stupid dog decides to start barking (again). It makes me so mad cause I'm not crazy about the creatures anyway and when they sit next door and bark all freaking day it drives me insane.

Yesterday morning I slept really, really late and I had the weirdest dream. I can't remember all the details of it but here's the general idea: In the beginning of the dream my friends and I were taking care of a baby. It was awful cause the baby would fall off the bed and stuff and noone else seemed to think there was anything wrong with letting that happen. Next part of the dream we're all riding somewhere together and we have this baby and evidently someone had dropped it off at my door or something. Basically we were trying to figure out who should have it. I wanted it cause I had already been taking care of it (weird) and we were trying to decide what to name it. It was a girl and everyone was calling her Lynn and someone suggested that her middle name be Flyn. I was like, there is no way you're going to name this child Lynn Flyn. So since I like the name Eva, she was going to be Eva Flyn. No idea where the Flyn came from. Then we were trying to decide whose last name she should have. Next part of the dream I go home and look in my fish tank and there's a little shelf-like thing on the inside of the tank and a fish was lying on it dead. Somehow the fish was the baby and it had died and noone was sad about it cause it was just a fish but I was very upset cause it was the baby.... The moral of the story is - don't eat Chinese food before you go to sleep unless you want to have a baby named Lynn Flyn.

I forgot to tell about one of my flights last week that was funny. On Sunday when I did my round trip I flew on the 70 so there was another flight attendant. I thought she looked familiar and figured out that she had gotten TDY'd to Salt Lake the same week in November as me. I had remembered someone mentioning that she was Mormon which I thought was interesting. So we started talking and I asked her about the underwear that Mormons supposedly have to wear. There was discussion recently about who wears them and why and when. She said that any time someone goes through Temple, which would be either before they go on missions or get married, they have to wear them. So we keep talking and I find out that along with her flight attendant job she is a dancer at one of the dance clubs in Atlanta. AND that she had a grill made... Which answered another question I had. I kind of like the song "Grills" but never understood how they could have so many different grills. Hers is gold and goes on 4 of her bottom teeth. She put it in so I could see how it worked. I couldnt look at her again for the rest of the trip without laughing really hard.

I think that's all I have to say for now. I should probably get up and be about my day. I've got things to do and people to see.. Well I mostly need to finish unpacking from CA and get my room clean in case they call me in to work.

As I was saying...

This is the part of my job I like. I helped scheduling out on Sunday so now I have until Sunday off which is nice cause usually when I go out of town I have to rush back. The weather here is beautiful. The city is beautiful. I could spend a lot of time out here. I love how it's sprawling out everywhere. You see the ocean on one side, houses built on all the hills on another side, and the city off in the distance. This morning I slept late then walked down the street and got waxed by some little asian lady. It was different but worth it. It's so much cheaper out here which is great cause I'm kind of broke. I think maybe I'm weird cause things that bother normal people don't bother me. It's nice not to be bothered. I went with Roya to her tennis practice and sat in the sun and read while she did all the worked. I did get on the eliptical machine for a while so I don't feel completely lazy. Hopefully I got some sun cause I'm tired of being such a pale white girl. That 70s Show is on and it's fantastic. It makes me happy. I had so much stuff I was going to write and now I've forgotten it all. Roya needs to wake up so we can go out and enjoy San Diego.

I can't think of a subject and have to leave now

Life is funny.. Just a few short days ago I was in such a miserable frame of mind. I was hating everything, my job, the weather, my fellow employees, scheduling, passengers, my life... I know, I know.. I actually love my life. I have a great life, but sometimes you can't see or feel beyond the moment and you forget that it isn't always that sucky. Some of the factors continue to plague me, mainly the whole I don't get paid jack at my job factor, but I am now off work for 4 days in a row (3 left) and enjoying the beautiful weather in San Diego. I flew out here yesterday afternoon, thanks to the job that I so often cursed earlier this week, and will be here until Sunday visiting my friend Roya. I'm so excited because she wants to show me San Diego, and as her little brother so beautifully put it, let me enjoy the full flavor of the city. We're probably going to go to Mexico tomorrow as well. I hope they stamp my passport so it can stop being empty, but I'm not sure if they do that.
I was supposed to be off Sunday, but as a favor to scheduling (learned my lesson there), I went on reserve when I got back from Kentucky. About an hour later they called me to do a round trip back up to Lexington. So me, being the person that sees more good in people and things than they really deserve credit for, only took my flight bag cause I didn't really think they'd send me anywhere far. Dumb Grace. I got back from LEX to find out that I was to go to McAllen, TX for the night, come back to ATL, do a Tulsa round trip and then pick up the Syracuse overnight they had already given me for Monday night. So now, instead of being gone for the afternoon I'm going to be gone for 3 days. I was not a happy camper. I got to McAllen that night and got the hotel van to take me to Walmart where I thought I was experiencing a Mexican Christmas Eve. The place was packed like Christmas Eve and I was practically the only English speaking person there. Good times. When we left there the next day it was 90 degrees. The day continued with every flight being delayed, mostly because of weather. I was praying that I wouldn't have to go to Syracuse because we didn't get back until 11pm. I got off the plane and checked the flight to Syracuse and it had been delayed until 1148. We didn't even take off until after 1230. I don't understand how they expect me to be nice and care about my job when I've already been in an airplane for over 6 hours that day. So I didn't care. I threw drinks at people. Told them to shutup if they complained about being cold. Let them wander around on take off. Had them hold their bags in their laps or put them in the aisles... :-P. Anyway, I've never been so happy for a trip to be over. The guys I flew with were nice which always helps but I was loving home sweet home.
Roya just got back from her lab so we're going to tennis practice. This should be fun. I just got waxed by some Korean lady here which was quite fun as well.. More on all this later. San Diego, here we come!!

polyester pants time

Yes, I have to work tonight. I'm actually glad cause I need a diversion. I need to be somewhere but here and don't have money to go out. Today has been just jolly good fun (yes, that is sarcasm). I spent most of the afternoon compiling songs for a cd, the sole purpose of which will be to depress me even more. Yay! I woke up at 10am (after lying awake til 3am) and saw that I had 7 missed calls. 3 of which were from work. I missed a call which is the biggest no-no ever. You get in trouble when you're unavailable on reserve. I had called scheduling last night to talk about a trip I wanted next week and had a nice conversation with the night guy. He is the one that called me this morning and I'm wondering if he did me a huge favor and didn't mark me unavailable. I was in a huge panic and called my mom back crying, cause she had left messages wondering what was up (their number is scheduling's alternate contact for me). Then I called sched and they said there was nothing on the schedule which would be nothing short of a miracle, a gift from God. I had a feeling then that today wasn't going to be good. I worked out with J. The workout was good but that was it. From all outward appearances, he seems completely fine and my heart is broken. It's my fault so I shouldn't complain but I still hurt. We walked for a while outside and it felt amazing. The sun was bright and warm and the wind was strong and cool. We found a neighborhood that's being built with amazing houses. We walked, he talked, I listened. Came home and laid in the bathtub and tried to relax. Now I have to fly to Florence, SC for the night. Have the 6am flight back in the morning which means we'll leave for the airport from the hotel at 5 probably so I'll get up at 415 or 430. Woo hoo! I guess it's better than sitting at home being sad. Talked to my sweet adopted little sister. Ended up dumping even though I wasn't intending to but she's good like that. My real little sister is trying to go out of town so we're playing phone tag to organize it but now I don't know what's going on.

As I was lying in the bathtub today thinking I realized I was a bit confused about this whole emo thing. Either I don't understand what it is or it's just stupid. It just seems to me that it's people who like to be sad, or at least seem sad, all the time. Who would want to be that way??? I don't understand it.

Anyway, I need to don the rest of my glorious uniform, pack my pjs, do my makeup and get to work. These are some good times. Prayers are appreciated.

Your Winter

This is one of those great songs that makes the pain in your heart hurt that much more...

Grey ceiling on the earth
Well it's lasted for a while
Take my thoughts for what they're worth
I've been acting like a child
In your opinion, and what is that?
It's just a different point of view

What else can I do?
I said I'm sorry, yeah I'm sorry.
I said I'm sorry ,but what for?
If I hurt you then I hate myself
Don't want to hate myself, don't want to hurt you
Why do you choose your pain?
If you only know how much I love you, love you

I won't be your winter
I won't be anyone's excuse to cry
We can be forgiven
I will be here

The old picture on the shelf
Well it's been there for a while
A frozen image of ourselves
We are acting like a child
Innocent and in a trance
A dance that lasted for a while

You read my eyes just like your diary,
oh remember, please remember
Well, I'm not a beggar, but what's more
If I hurt you, then I hate myself,
And I don't wanna hate myself, don't wanna hurt you
Why do you choose your pain?
If you only knew how much I love you

I won't be your winter
I won't be anyone's excuse to cry
We can be forgiven
I will be here

My fortune cookie said: Don't slam a door. You might want to go back... hmmm

I just died in your arms tonight.... shoulda walked away

My day started off so well. I was awake and out of bed by 830, ate breakfast (bagel with peanutbutter - working on increasing my protien intake), cleaned my room (even dusted all my shelves and was going to vacuum but the bag was impossibly full), and ran for a little bit. It wasn't long and I really kind of fast walked but the fact that I was out of my pjs when I didn't have to be and was doing something physically good for me is enough to make me happy. Then I went to work and from 230 til 1030 I sat ready reserve at the airport. I don't always mind RR. It's usually a good time to catch up on sleep, see people I haven't seen in a while, do some knitting, etc... but by 430 I had finished my book, paid my bills, and written some cards, and I was bored out of my head. My stomach was feeling funny which made me not want to sit in the lounge but my feet have been hurting which made me not want to walk around. For once I didn't feel like sleeping. Some days I go to work and can't turn around without seeing people I know but today was one of the other kind. And the few people that were around all seemed to be giving me funny looks if I even glanced in the direction of their conversation. I guess they used up all their friendliness on the passengers. One of my most favorite people did come through the airport for a little while which practically made my entire day. I'm so easily pleased. Now I'm home and all is quiet. Roomie A is at her parent's tonight and I guess Roomie T is sleeping (or just hanigng out in the dark in her room). I got some kind of velour-ish pants at Target the other day for $4.24 and I'm addicted. I wish I could wear them to work. They're so comfortable and don't squeeze like the rest of my pants do (my weight has reached an all time high. go me). I'm working on some stories in my head that I need to start writing down. Though I'm glad I didn't get used while on RR it seems like a monumental waste of a day to sit at the airport. I started a second book but am having a hard time getting into it. I forgot to take any knitting with me as well. It's just stupid to get all dressed and packed for whatever they might throw at you, just to drag it all back home 8 hours later. It really irritates me how they automatically put the times on here on Pacific time. Oh well. I guess I'll just change it. So there, myspace. I wasn't tired today, which makes me very happy.

pieces of songs in my head

I find that I have reached a certain sad/silly point in my life where I refer to characters on tv shows as if they were real and the things they experienced actually happened. I wonder if that is a sign of a good tv show when the things that happen on there happen to real people as well...? Anyway, I digress... There's an episode of S & the C where they all go to an engagement party and someone asks Miranda if she's seeing anyone special. She says no, she isn't seeing anyone special, just a whole bunch of un-special people. She starts joking about how if any of them know anyone un-special to pass her number along, etc... Later Carrie asks what is going on with the comedy routine and she said she was just doing it to avoid all the married and engaged women's "oh, you'll find someone" blah blah blah. I said all to say that I found myself doing exactly the same thing yesterday, and realized that I do it every freaking time I go to a wedding, shower, child's birthday party, church, the store, basically anywhere where I'm the only single one. I feel like I'm some sort of mutant when I'm in situations like that and if I joke about being single then noone will feel uncomfortable. The sad thing is, I'm perfectly content being single. I'm in no hurry to join the masses of datings and marrieds. But for some reason being around a ton of married people makes me feel like I have to defend myself. Then that pisses me off. I don't want anyone's pity or sympathy. In case you're wondering, I went to a wedding AND a child's birthday party yesterday. Both were very nice, but after a while I can only stand so much of the whole love, marriage, babies thing... I'm glad I'm single. I'm glad I can go somewhere different every weekend this month. I'm glad I can go to sleep when I want and noone will wake me up. I'm glad I can wake up when I want and noone is going to starve for it. I'm glad I can go out with whoever I want, whenever, and then change my plans at the last minute and noone cares. I love that if I get fat there's only one person who cares (me). I love having friends who are more concerned about marrying the right person than about being married. I hate that I can go to sleep whenever I want and get up whenever I want and I'll still be just as tired as before. I love that I got my first pinkness from the sun of 2006. I can't wait for it to get warm and yummy. I'm going to try the whole sleep thing.

Doesn't curiosity also kill things besides cats?

I hate how I always think of things to write about when I'm not near a computer or pen and paper. I found something in a magazine the other day that was interesting. It's a writing contest looking for real-life stories by women about something where they were challenged or surprised themselves by something they did or experienced. I cant remember the exact description but you win $5000 and they look at the stories to see which one could possibly turn into a book.... Interesting hey? I think it is anyway. Now I just have to figure out what I'm going to write about. I'm open to suggestions. I'm going to text my roommate now and see if she's still up. I wish there was some way of knowing who reads these cause I know it's happening...

on and on and on and on it goes...

Life's funny... I realized recently that I was free from something that had a hold on me for many years. And now that I'm free of it, I can only wonder what exactly it was about said thing that I couldn't seem to get away from. It's funny how, when you're all wrapped up in the drama and feelings of a moment you can't ever imagine life being different. You can't imagine what it will be like to have something or someone completely gone from your life. But when it happens and the drama is over you hardly remember what it was like before. It feels good to be constantly reminded that life goes on. Some people view the constant moving forward of life as an unpleasant/sad/scary thing. It means we're all getting older. It means that before we know it we'll be at a completely different stage of our lives. But I think it's amazing. It's amazing to know that each part of life holds different pleasures and joys. I may be saying something different when I'm 85 and can't remember who you are and pee myself randomly but I won't remember that I ever said this then so it doesn't matter anyway. I wish people could realize that whenever they're in an unpleasant situation, job, relationship, or whatever, that the pain they'll experience getting out of it will soon be gone and be replaced by something better.

My life isn't perfect. It never will be. But I'm really happy right now. I like being 25. I like my job. I like the randomness of my life. I like my friends (some more than others ;-).) I like that I can drive over to my parent's house and eat my mother's cooking and hang out with my family... Life is good.

it is well with my soul

I think that it's important to take note of the different emotional phases we go through. This week was not one of the better weeks I've had, but now, it's the end of the week/beginning of next week and I feel good. I feel happy and peaceful and I like that.

Some people may view the fact that everything has to end as a bad thing, but to me it's one of the beauties of life. Yes, this does mean that good things have to end, but it also gives hope in the 'slough of despond' times. Whenever I'm on a flight where the passengers are angry, I feel sick, the weather is rotten, we're delayed.. whatever the situation, it's really nice to be able to say, yes, like everything else in life, this flight must come to an end as well. We have to land eventually. Or, I have to feel better eventually. I can't imagine ever feeling so sad with my life that I would give up hope that the bad times would end and it would get better. I was thinking yesterday how when it rains it pours. I went through a lot this week, not only with my bag being stolen, dealing with the loss, recovering what I could, letting go of what I couldnt', but some other personal stuff I was dealing with. But now, I've survived, just like always, and I'm going to be fine.

The rain is falling outside and it sounds beautiful. I'm turning 25 in 2 days and I'm excited. Some people worry about turning 25 because they feel they're getting old, but I feel like I'm really starting to get to the good part of life. I can now do everything any other adult can do, except get the senior citizen's discount on Wednesday (I'm not ready for that one). I could do everything before but I'm just talking about insurance going down and being able to rent cars without paying extra. I'm excited that God has allowed me so many wonderful years. I have great friends and a wonderful family and the future is bright.

sunshine, blue skies are coming my way

I haven't blogged in quite a while. I randomly blog elsewhere in a less public place. If you're interested, and special, maybe I'll tell you where.

I decided that since I'm having a hide-in-your-hoodie day I'd go to my mental file boxes and dig through the happy memories files. The ones you pull out when the sky is gray, the leaves are soggy on the ground, toes are frozen, and there isn't a flower to be seen.

Tanya and I have been sitting here watching Return of the King. I like it but it really isn't doing anything to help my mood. The frosty she just brought me from Wendy's does help though. What a great friend/roommate!!

As I sit and think of times when it feels like all the world is happy and life couldnt' be any better they seem to have some common chararcteristics.. music - often loud, but sometimes mellow, fast cars, wind, blue skies, warm weather.. might as well throw in a beach while we're at it.

The night before last, after I got off work, my flight bag got stolen out of my car. I hate thieves. Twice I've been robbed and neither time did they get anything of real value. Always just stuff that meant a lot to me or that was difficult/impossible to replace. This time it was my company id, airport badge, uniform and wings, PASSPORT, drivers license, debit and credit cards, $30, flight attendant manual, knitting needles and scarf I was making for my mom, favorite tweezers (they kept my eyebrows pretty!!), my planner (the only way I ever remember anything), and various toiletries, etc... It's been a huge pain but ya, life goes on. It always does. I had to call out on my trip yesterday, which sucks, and I'm not sure how that will pan out cause I'm still on probation (had 7 days left), but everything always works out in the end. On the bright side, I had forgotten to bring my glasses so they're safe and sound and the picture on my passport was really awful.

That 70s show is a little less depressing than Return of the King. Kelso is shockingly stupid. It's quite humorous. I'm going to find something to eat.

Song for a Winter's Night

Sometimes I feel like torturing myself and I listen to this song. It makes me feel like my heart is breaking and being squeezed really hard and makes me feel terribly lonely but I still love it. Who knows why, maybe cause when I find that person I will feel as happy with them listening to this song as I do sad listening to it without... Maybe it's just sometimes any intense emotion feels good..

Song for a Winter's Night - Jewel and Sara Mc.

The lamp is burning low
upon my table top
snow is softly falling
the air is still
in the silence of my room
I hear your voice softly calling

If I could only have you near
to breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy
just to hold the hands I love
on this winters night with you

Smoke is rising in the shadows overhead
my glass is almost empty
I read again between the lines
upon each page,
the words of love you sent me

If I could know within my heart
that you were lonely too
I would be happy
just to hold the hands I love
on this winters night with you

The Fire is dying
my lamp is growing dim
shades of night are lifting
morning light steals across my window pane
where webs of snow are drifting

If I could only have you near
to breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy
just to hold the hands I love
on this winters night with you
And you'll be once again with me

fire engine red

I just woke up so I'm not responsible for anything that I say right now. My head is full and I need to empty it so I can get on with my day and be productive.

It's 7pm on a Monday night and I'm home. I had to go to the doctor this morning for a pre-op and somewhere along the way I got a terrible headache. Came home, didn't go away so I went to sleep to hopefully feel better.. 4.5 hours later I wake up and my headache is still here. On top of that I dreamed weird dreams. I realized the other day that I hadnt' been pining for anyone in a while. It's a nice feeling and unusual for me. It seems like realizing that has suddenly brought to mind thoughts of everyone I ever cared about. They're even creeping into my sleep. Pisses me off. Just now I dreamed that I was with my sister Joy. We were flying somewhere and somehow it turned out to be Australia, so I started looking on a map to find out what part of Australia we'd be flying into. Somehow we came within driving distance of my Aussie friend. So I went to see him and evidently since it was so last minute (yes, it was a dream. It's impossible to have a last minute trip to Australia since it takes a whole day to get there) I didnt' have time to contact him and let him know I was coming. So when I did get there and find him it was total awkwardness. It was like he wasn't happy to see me and kept going off to do other things. Then Joy goes to his apartment for some reason and sees all this woman stuff everywhere, which explains the weirdness, but just makes me be like, what couldn't you just say so??? What is it with guys (I'm not referring to my friend since he was an involuntary participant in my dream)? Is it the desire to always keep all options open that they can't say, hey, I'm seeing someone now, that's what you haven't heard from me in a few weeks/months. Even when asked they deny it. Blah. Anyway. I think that is out of my system. I hate when a dream throws me off this much. It's just a stupid dream already.

So my next subject of mind chaos is my room. Right now I've got my bed, a black iron baker's rack/bedside shelf, ugly and uncomfortable chair, 5 John Deere storage boxes (they were on sale - go figure), an unpacked suitcase (what's the point in unpacking anymore), some plastic drawers with necessary household things and a lot of stuff I need to sort, and other randomosities. I want my room to be comfortable and inviting. I want there to be a place for everything. My ideas are finally coming together but now I have to find the stuff, and for really cheap, to make it work. So until then my room remains chaotic and boring. I did hang up a poster that my Porsche University friends gave me. Not quite the final look I'm going for but better than nothing. I wish I had bought that green paint at Home Depot the other day when I saw it. I think I'm going to paint the wall with the windows green, kind of an olive green, and the wall behind my bed a medium blue. I like the idea of duplicating the colors outside my window.

I found my new current favorite song. I heard it on a Power Anthem cd when I was living in England. I used to drive, on the wrong side of the road, with that cd turn up full blast. It's Poison by Alice Cooper. I'm not feeling most of my music right now so it's a good change. I'm not unhappy or depressed but just don't feel like happy music right now. "Your lips are venemous poison" is more along my lines right now. I need to repaint my toenails. I can't do the whole half on, half off paint job for some reason. Reminds me of Joy cause she wears her nail polish til it grows off practically. I miss her. I need to go visit her soon.

My next three off days are Friday - Sunday but they are already full up. I went this morning for a pre-op cause I'm having out patient surgery Friday morning to remove a lump from my breast. It's nothing serious, just precautionary I think. They did a biopsy on the lump a few weeks ago and it's a fibroadenoma, which is normal, but it has a weird texture, which is why they recommended it be removed. I have to be there at 0630 Friday and have to have someone drive me home. Then I'll be leaving that night to go to Lexington to go skydiving on Saturday. I dreamed about that last night. Dreamed I was standing in the doorway of the plane looking down and thinking, what in the world am I doing??? Then I go to the hospital this morning and there's all this talk about living wills and stuff... I could die this weekend. If the surgery doesn't get me somehow the skydiving might.

You would laugh if you just saw me. Poison is on again and it makes me headbang and play the air drums with great energy. Hehe. Loving it. I was hoping to see my family today but since I slept all afternoon I don't know if that's goign to happen. Talked to my daddy this morning. It was lovely. I also went to the thriftstore on Stewart Avenue/Metropolitan Parkway this morning. Seeing if they have any interesting frames or anything. It was kind of scary. I saw a hooker at noon. Very sad. So many bums around there. Nearly ran over a one legged guy wheeling himself across the road. It's crazy. Feels like a different country over there or something.

"I wanna love you but I better not touch, I wanna hold you but my senses tell me to stop, I wanna kiss you but I want it too much, I wanna taste you but your lips are venemous poison. You're poison running through my veins. I don't wanna breaks these chains... Dont' wanna touch you but you're under my skin, I wanna kiss you but your lips are venemous poison..."

One of my cd cases is gone and it makes me really sad. It was all my burned cds and evidently a bunch of my other ones. If there's one thing I've learned over the last year and a half though it's that you can't hang onto things too tightly. Losing things is part of life. I'm not even talking about people, just talking about a memory stick with hundreds of photos, a journal, my favorite clothes, the Chinese shirt Joy gave me, my old camo skirt. The little things that I loved but seem to have vaporized. What can you do?? Obviously nothing except accept it. I found something today that I thought was gone which made me happy. I still think I'll find the cds one day but who knows. If I don't I guess it'll be alright, right?

My stomach is calling and I think my brain has been cleansed. Going to go find food and see what I can do to bring some order and niceness to this place.